Friday, March 18, 2011

Assault and Battery

It occurs to me that I've been a bit negative as of late. Complaining and ranting have been my modus operandi for weeks. No more! It's Friday, it's sunny, it's warmish and it's time for some levity! This actually happened last year but it's been a favorite "laugh out loud" memory ever since, so I don't see any harm in re-telling it now.

It was a dark and stormy night...

It has been raining hard that night, and I was trying to sleep. Apparently we have vents on our roof, and whenever it rains super hard in a certain direction, water leaks into the attic. My husband Steve was very concerned, so he kept pulling down the ladder to the attic to check the status of any leakage. Every hour he did this, and not once did he make an effort to be quiet about it. It was an annoying, infuriating sound journey. So every hour, on the hour, I was woken up to this:

creeeaaakkk.... squeeeeeaaaakkk! (the door to the "nerd cave" being opened)

SPROING-OING-OING!
(the attic ladder being pulled down)

Thump thump thump thump thump... (Steve climbing the ladder to get to the attic)

Thunk... bonk... swish swish... thud... (Steve crawling around in the attic)

Thump thump thump thump thump... (Steve climbing down the ladder)

SPROING-OING-OING! (the attic ladder being out back up)

creeeaaakkk.... squeeeeeaaaakkk! (the door to the "nerd cave" being closed)


This happened four times. 10pm... 11pm... 12am... 1am... but at the 2am check, the sound journey changed course.

creeeaaakkk.... squeeeeeaaaakkk! (the door to the "nerd cave" being opened)

SPROING-OING-OING!
(the attic ladder being pulled down)

Thump thump thump thump thump... (Steve climbing the ladder to get to the attic)

Thunk... bonk... swish swish... thud... (Steve crawling around in the attic)

*** At this point, I hear what can only be described as a cross between a strangled cry, a scream, a yelp and a shout. ***

THUMPTHUMPCRASH! (Steve frantically running down the attic stairs, tripping, then falling the rest of the way down)

"GOD DAMN IT!" - Steve

SPROING! (the attic ladder being violently put back up)

THUD THUD THUD BOOM THUD THUD! (Steve running up the hall)

CREAK.... SQUEAK! (the door to the "nerd cave" being flung open, then slammed shut)

I got out of bed, tore open the door to the nerd cave and asked what the hell was going on. Steve was huddled up on the far end of the sofa, covered in a blanket with only his eyes exposed. He shot me a panicked look - still hiding under the comforter - and exclaimed:

"There's a fucking BAT in the attic!"

At this point I could not contain myself - I was tired, grumpy and in pain from surgery, but I couldn't stop myself from pointing and laughing at my wimpy 6'4" husband.

"Don't laugh at me! It.... it... it flew at me!"


Still laughing, I walked back to the bedroom and got back in bed. I did not hear any more "leak checks" for the rest of the night.


1 comment:

  1. Awwww! It looks like the bat I found and took to the Wildlife Rehab place. Soooo cute. I <3 bats. I wish they were more domestic and less disease ridden!

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