Thursday, March 31, 2011

Ottomans, Take Heed!

Once upon a time I had an ugly old couch. I was moving to a new apartment and I didn't want to take it with me. My apartment complex had strict rules about disposing of furniture in their dumpsters, and I didn't think the Salvation Army would want the dilapidated teal monstrosity that probably contained enough dog hair (and dog vomit & urine, thanks to Ilsa) to make the CSI guys think multiple murders had been committed on those cushions.

Steve was not concerned. Steve had a plan.

I came home from class to find my then-fiance Steve destroying the sofa with a hammer and hacksaw. He had stripped the fabric and foam from the frame, stuffing it all into trash bags and making regular trips to the dumpster. Next went the wood framework, and then the metal pieces. It took fourteen black plastic trash bags to dispose of that godawful couch, but in the end we got the entire thing into the dumpster and the apartment complex was none the wiser.

See? I told you it was an ugly couch!

This appears to be Steve's solution for disposing of any large piece of furniture. Last summer I figured out where he learned this method.

Iowa has been plagued with horrible floods, and our house was not spared - we had more than two feet of murky, greenish water in our basement for several days. As a result, several large pieces of furniture had to be thrown out. There had been one piece of furniture in particular that I was worried about - a wooden cabinet that had to have weighed about 500lbs. It was roughly 8' long, 4' wide and 4' deep - and old enough that it was constructed from real, solid, heavy wood. I had no idea how we were even going to lift it, let alone get it up a flight of stairs and to the curb to be hauled away.

The next day, I got home from work and there was Steve's mom - looking like Rosie the Riveter - smashing the hell out of that cabinet with only a hammer. I was gobsmacked.

It made it to the curb in less than an hour - and in small, distressed, frazzled little pieces. The Petesch blood-feud against unwanted furniture had reared its ugly head yet again.

And it was awesome.

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