It wasn't a moth. I let out a shriek and corralled the dogs in the bedroom. I was so freaked out, I actually called the big red one "Ronin" - whoops. You know what they say about old habits. Once the dogs were safe, I crept back into the living room. By some miracle, I instantly spotted the little bugger, clinging to the top of one of my dark brown drapes. As you can see, he was a big'un!
Shit, what now? Like any twenty-something with a husband who won't answer his phone when he's at work, I turned to.... Facebook. Here's the entire conversation. Grandparents and schoolteachers, please forgive my language. I was Freaking. The Eff. Out. Also, my computer was a mere six feet away from said bat, so I was typing while hiding under my desk. I've left the typos in for their comedic value
Me: There's a f*cking BAT in my living room! He's clinging to a curtain, I'm not sure what to do! HELPP!!!
Monika: Get a box.... put lots of clothes on and catch the sucker!!! Common, you know the drill, lol.
Alicia: Catch it and keep it as a pet :) or catch it and send it to me! They're so cute!
Nicole: Sick a cat on it that's what I would do
Me: it's too far up - i can't reach him, he's at the top of a curtain.
Me: i'm going to try to throw a box at him
Nicole: You can do it !!
Molly: I'd put a leather work glove on, grab it around the whole body so it's wings can't flap, then stick it outside :) (if you have a ladder to get up that high).
Me: ok i taped a hugeish box to a swiffer handle
Nicole: Leah that is hilarious !!
Me: the trouble is he's on a curtain - so one i tra him in the box, he may be able to escapt the box by rustling around through the fabric.
Me: he looks agitated
Kim: You have 2 big dogs in the house. Let them loose.
Nicole: Don't do it!! He might bite you! Do you want me to bring Turkish over?
At this point, I decided to put on my big girl panties and take care of the damn bat. I crept over to the drapes and slammed the box over the bat. I was right - he was indeed agitated. I'm sure in bat language, he was hurling every profanity he knew at me. Squeek squeek chirrp chirrrrrrp squeak squeak to you too, jackass!
I carefully slid the box off the curtain, over the windowframe and onto the wall. I slid the whole contraption down far enough that I could prop the Swiffer handle on the floor, so the box would hold fast against the wall. The bat calmed down.
I shared my success with my amigas on Facebook:
Me: HE'S IN THE BOX!
Megan: Be careful! We just had a bat test positive for Rabies this week!
Me: You're not making this any easier megan.
Kim: Now put the box outside and run.
Me: there's no lid on it. It's trapped between the wall and the box.
Kim: Use a cookie sheet to trap it in the box then put it outside.
Me: hmmmm - might have to find something flat. Our cookie sheets have rims.
Suddenly it dawned on me. The box's original lid was in the pantry! I ran and got the lid, and carefully unfolded one side so I'd be able to slide the lid onto the box. Which is exactly what I did. Once the lid was completely on the box, I taped the unfolded portion shut, and viola!
I flipped the box over and took it outside, but halfway to the door I noticed that the box was an old Christmas present box, and it still had a label on it! To make things even better, apparently this box once held a gift for me! Laughing maniacally, I completed the gift tag.
I put the box outside. My husband can release the bat tonight, when he gets home. I think there's a bottle of wine in the fridge that wants to comfort me after this ordeal.