Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Kaylee's Tooth

WARNING: Thar be gory photos in this post, mateys! Ye scurvy barnacles with weak stomachs may want to stay off the ship today!

Kaylee had to have her P4 carnassial premolar extracted last weekend. She stopped eating early last week, which we eventually discovered was caused by a pretty nasty slab fracture. We're not 100% what caused it, but our educated guess is that she was chewing on an "inappropriate chew item" and broke herself.

Public service announcement: Do not give your dogs weight-bearing bones or antlers to chew. Thirty minutes of peace and quiet is not worth the danger and expense of dental surgery.

Here's what her tooth looked like, pre-extraction:

I hate putting dogs under anesthesia. So many people think it's nothing to worry about, but I've known too many dogs that haven't woken up after surgery that I avoid it unless absolutely necessary. So we began to think about what else we could have done while Kaylee was knocked out for her tooth extraction... and ended up making the decision to spay her.

There's a "no more dogs until someone dies" house rule in effect right now, so there would be no reason for me to breed Kaylee again. Pair that with our increased involvement in performance events, the logical choice was to spay. No more lost training time, no more missed trials. It'll be so nice.

The vet didn't let me take her uterus home, but I did get to keep the tooth. (No, I did not want her uterus. That was what I refer to as a "joke." Please don't freak out. I would never want to keep my dogs' discarded reproductive organs, that's just sick.)

Anyway... there's the tooth. I'm supposed to arrange a visit from the tooth fairy. All I know is that the tooth fairy had better not leave any more damn weight bearing bones on which for my dogs to break their teeth!

As per tradition, I need to figure out a great story for why Kaylee is missing a tooth. I think I'm going to go with a pirate story. She lost the tooth on the high seas, looting and pillaging. Yep, that sounds like Kaylee's idea of a good time. :)

Tuesday, July 24, 2012


I'm so unbelievably sad right now. Usually my husband is great at understanding my jokes involving obscure and vague movie/book references, but this time he didn't and I'm crushed.

But this time, I wasn't even being vague. I made a very direct Avengers reference, and he didn't understand it at all. We were both in the kitchen, and I was putting a bagged, dead rat in some warm water to thaw it for our ball python to eat. I turned to Steve, held up the jar of water with the rat in it, and said:

"So, do you think if after this rat thaws, I can get it a patriotic, spangly outfit and maybe it'll be able to defeat an army of extraterrestrials?"

Steve looked at me like I was crazy. So I took the joke further.

"Of course, I could build a metal suit for another rat, and make that rat do the majority of the work and save the world..."

Still nothing from Steve. He wasn't even smiling. He looked a bit frightened. So I continued:

"Give another rat a bow and some arrows? Maybe find a really big rat with anger management issues?"


"Uh.... I could find a black rat with one eye to give directions to all the other rats...?"

At this point, Steve looked really confused and really afraid. I finally gave up.


Steve admitted that he totally did not get the joke until I explained it. He said that if I'd mentioned the rat having a little shield, he would have understood. I told him that would have been too obvious. He shook his head and walked away. I stood there, clutching the thawing jar, furious that he hadn't understood my witty Avengers dead rat joke. I yelled at his retreating form:


"Funny things are!"

Saturday, July 21, 2012

My Spontaneous Superhero Saturday

At 8:08 this morning, I received a text message from my friend Aryn. It read, "Are you up yet?"

When I woke up at 9:14am, I texted back, "am now, sort of. Ha."

Aryn's reply: "I am going to do illegal things to food at 9:40 if you want to come."

Okay, let's be honest, when have I ever said no to doing illegal things to food? That's right, never. Invitation accepted.

After a lightning-fast nine minute shower, I jumped in my car and drove to Perkins as fast as I could without getting pulled over. At 9:55am, I texted Aryn to let her know there were a ton of cops out. Also, there were a ton of red lights. FML, all I wanted was scrambled eggs and all these cops and red lights were getting in my way!

Got to Perkins, sat down, and the ninja waitress took my order. I call her a ninja waitress because she handed me a menu less than 30 seconds after I'd arrived, and she hadn't even seen me come in! Ninja skills, seriously! As Aryn excised a tumor from her chocolate muffin, we made a snap decision. This was a snap decision that would end up changing the entire day.

Our other breakfast companion mentioned that he was going to see The Dark Knight Rises with his brother after he was finished at Perkins. Aryn and I decided that that was a fabulous idea, and that we should see the movie as well. Aryn offhandedly mentioned that she hadn't seen The Avengers yet either, and that she'd like to see it sometime.

If you know me, you should already have guessed what my next words were. Yes. I turned to Aryn and said, "Well, let's see that one too!" "Today?" "Hell yeah, today!"

We decided to call our adventure Spontaneous Superhero Saturday. For awhile it was the Super Secret Spontaneous Superhero Saturday, because our spouses had not been informed of we were doing.

After making fun of our friend for choosing a theater that smells like cat pee, we left Perkins and eventually made it to the movie theater. I could not stop laughing. We were actually doing this. As we were pulling into the theater parking lot, I suddenly remembered that I'd scheduled to see a man about some pancreas at 4:30pm. Craaaaaap. I couldn't let a few dozen pounds of cow guts ruin our amazing spontaneous movie plans. I whipped out my phone and called my trusty raw-feeding buddy Polly. She readily agreed to pick up my order, which in my opinion made her just as much of a superhero as the guys in spangly outfits we'd be watching on-screen.

(Thanks again, Polly - I know I told you this earlier, but I want to say it again publicly - you are an amazing person, a great friend, and YOU ROCK!)

As the credits rolled for The Dark Knight Rises, we scurried off to the lobby to buy our tickets to The Avengers. Oh man, I hadn't done this since high school!

At 6:40pm, we finally stumbled out of the theater. What was that bright stuff that hit my eyes, omigod, was that sunlight? I wasn't sure. I hadn't seen it for so long, I'd forgotten how bright... and hot... and nasty the sun could be! Gah!

Taco Bell acquired.

On my way home, I stopped at the ghetto Walmart and discovered that they had bags of whole tilapia on sale. Three fish for four dollars. I think I scared the cashier because I ended up buying a boatload of tilapia.

It was a great day. Dare I say it was.... stupendous. Stupendous (Not So) Super Secret Spontaneous Superhero Saturday.

Friday, July 20, 2012

I hear voices...

... dog voices.

I don't know why I find it so amusing to make up conversations between my dogs. Perhaps it's because it helps me paint their personalities to those of you who have never met them. Anyway, here's another installment.

I had to break up an "RSM" this morning. An RSM is a "Revy Stupid Moment" - a rare occurrence where Revy forgets she's a good Corgi and ends up doing something stupid that could very well lead to her getting her face eaten by another dog.

Revy's RSM of the morning was an attempt to steal a chicken liver from Kaylee's bowl during breakfast. Revy should have known this was a very stupid thing to do, but apparently she forgot. The resulting dogversation ensued. All caps, because they were yelling.

Me: GIRLS, GIRLS, let's not fight... we all love each other here...
Revy: Psh yeah right, APPARENTLY Kaylee loves her liver more than she loves me...
Kaylee: WHATEVER BITCH... Imma go take a nap, don't even talk to me. *stalks off*
Revy: *sad*
Jayne: *huge grin* ... EPIC! (had been watching the whole time)

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Hodgepodge 9.0

I hate living in Iowa right now. It's too hot, and it's making me miss my runs. I don't run if it's over 80 degrees and over 60% humidity, because that's what it takes for me to get sick. And I hate being sick.

Last night I almost got trapped into explaining dog nipples to a five year old. When the girl asked what "those things" were, the only answer I could manage was, "UH.... she had puppies." I thought this was a great answer. Vague, and did not involve me actually uttering the word 'nipple' in the presence of a kindergartner. As a bonus, it also distracted the girl into squealing about how much she loved puppies.

That's really all I have. This heat is frying my brain to the point where typing out more than three paragraphs is impossible.

My dog is pretty.

Sunday, July 15, 2012

Gay Cow Appreciation Day

Last week, I had mentioned that I may or may not have agreed to dress up as a gay cow for free food. Photographic proof, right here.

Trust me, we had our reasons.

First, some backstory. Once a year, the fast-food chain Chik-Fil-A has a "Cow Appreciation Day" - dress like a cow, get a free meal. Pretty neat, yes? Kind of a neat promotion for a chain of fried-chicken restaurants to do.

It's not the only thing Chik-Fil-A has a history of doing though. They also have given millions of dollars to anti-gay organizations and hate groups. We're not just talking fundamentalist religious organizations... we're talking about groups that actually attempt to "cure gays of being gay." That's really, really scary.

This year, a group of LGBT-supportive Iowans decided to stage a peaceful gathering at a local Iowa City Chik-Fil-A. Yes, that's right, an entire herd of gay cows, clamoring for a free meal.

Random mall comment:

Yes, I have a dizzingly chaotic attention span. If you know me at all, you know this is normal. Virtual reality pod in the middle of the mall, I loved those things when I was a kid! Heehee!

Okay, back to gay cows. Gay cows, assemble!

Mall cop! Lookin' important, struttin' past Bennigans! (I warned you about my attention span.)


Here we come, Chik-Fil-A.... are you ready for a gay cow invasion?

Really nice guy, seemed to enjoy the herd. :)

Cops showed up! I wonder who called them...

Jess approved of my free food...

Tad dressed up as a heterosexual cow, but that's okay. Not all cows have to be gay cows.

Jess did a really good job on the cow ears. Earring was a nice touch.

All in all, the gathering went well. Everyone had a good time, including the Chik-Fil-A employees. Nothing got out of hand, and no one caused a scene that could have gotten us kicked out of the mall. I believe it did raise awareness, because several people were curious as to why we were all dressed up as colorful bovines.

It was an udderly fabulous way to spend a Friday night!

PS - here's the back of my shirt. I did it with handmade stencils and spray-on fabric paint. It's nice to know that my ridiculously expensive college degree is getting some use. (That was clearly a tongue in cheek comment.)

Monday, July 9, 2012

You're dead to me, Goldie's.

I live in a small rural town. Some may call it quaint. I call it lame, mostly because of how the local ice cream shop has stomped on my emotions.

The place is called Goldie's Ice Cream Shoppe, and they've been voted as the restaurant with the best pork tenderloins in central Iowa. I'm not sure how accurate this is though, because they bribe people into voting for them by offering coupons. I think. I remember reading that somewhere.

Their food is meh, but their ice cream treats are quite delicious. My absolute favorite had been their Andes Mint Twister, which is sort of like a DQ Blizzard but with Andes mints. It was ah-may-zing!

One day, I drove to Goldie's and ordered an Andes Mint Twister. They told me they were temporarily out of the Andes mints, so the Andes Mint Twister was not available. Fine. I didn't want to be the loser who didn't order anything, so I got a Peanut Butter Suicide and drove home... slightly agitated.

A few weeks later, I tried again. The cashier swiped my debit card and went in back to make my Andes Mint Twister. After a few minutes, she came back to the window and told me that they were out of the little chunks of Andes mints needed to make it, and asked if I wanted anything else. NO, townie girl, I did not want anything else! I wanted my frakkin' Andes Mint Twister that I'd paid for! She'd already taken my money though, and she didn't look like she'd had the mental capacity to refund money on a debit card, so I caved and ordered something else. I drove home, this time even more agitated than the last time.

I know, I know. I should have learned from those two experiences. Apparently not. I went back a third time to order the delicious ice cream treat that I'd been craving for over a month. I asked the cashier if they had the required ingredients for an Andes Mint Twister. She assured me that they did. I told her to go in back and check, just to be sure. She gave me a sour look, and trudged back to check. Surprise surprise, she came back and told me no, they did not have the minty chunks needed for an Andes Mint Twister. She asked if I wanted something else. I finally mustered the courage (and the rage) to say no, I did not want anything else. I drove home yet again, incredibly angry at their incompetence.

I should mention that the Andes Mint Twister was listed on their menu all three times I went there.

I debated sending them this drawing:

In the end though, I just vowed to never give them my money for their overpriced greaseball food or stupid ice cream ever again. If you're going to run a business, don't offer items on the menu that you have no intention of ever being able to make. I know it's a small town and your patrons are all folks that you've known since they were toddlers, but come on - at least try to offer good customer service.

From now on, we're making our own Andes Mint ice cream desserts. We don't need you, Goldie's.

Saturday, July 7, 2012

The Amazing Properties of Sugar.

Me: I have ingested too much sugar.
Jess: uh oh
Me: So now I'm sort of dazed, in a hyperactive way...
Jess: What did you eat?
Jess: hahahahahaha
Me: and some ice pops.
Me: and some chocolate
Me: and some potatoes. (not sugar but whatev.)
Me: Steve is NEVER allowed to buy this much junk food at one time EVER again.
Jess: okay crazyperson. I'm going to have a nap. And then go see Ted. Feel free to join me at Coral Ridge at 9:50.
Me: The bear movie! Can't.... have to clean... persons from Chicago coming tomorrow... though that WOULD be all kinds of awesome...
Jess: hahahahaha
Jess: Sweet mother of christ.

That's how it all started. There I was, hyped up on roughly three pounds of processed sugar, and somehow I'd convinced myself to drive to a city nearly two hours away to see a movie about a teddy bear with my friend Jess. I did this, knowing full well I had adopters coming to my house the next morning (7:30am!!!!) to pick up my foster dog Hugo. Aren't I supposed to be getting too old for this crap?

I showered, I dressed, I fed the dogs their dinner. I was beginning to crash. I sucked it up and drove to Iowa City anyway. Jess attempted to give me directions to her apartment:

Jess: oh shit the detour... you can't get off at 380, you'll have to findiggle.
Me: yeah i know, i get off at the thing by the whatever, done it before. I fine!
Jess: I'll see your crazy ass in a few hours

At the thing, by the whatever. I fine. This was going to be fantastic. The drive was easy, but by the time I hit Williamsburg my sugar crash had turned into a sugar-crash-with-that-raggedy-feeling-of-exhaustion-and-also-lots-of-giggling. As it turned out, I'd driven nearly two hours to attend a sold out showing of the movie 'Ted.' This meant we had to wait around for about an hour for the next showing. We talked about gay cow appreciation day (which I may or may not have tentatively agreed to celebrate next weekend) and sending inappropriate texts to significant others during business meetings.

After playing a game of throw-the-kitty on Jess's phone and looking at Obama and cat pictures on the internet, we finally managed to make it into the theater. During the previews, we nearly peed ourselves reminiscing about our childhood Beanie Baby collections, Princess Di ("when did she get herself squished again?"), and Furbies. Did you know they're bringing back Furbies this fall? I KNOW, RIGHT?

Movie was hilarious... contained the best fight scene I've seen in a long time. We all agreed that the movie was probably created so Seth McFarlane could stick it to the FCC, but that's okay. So many years of being stomped on by the Man, and a crude movie about a pothead teddy bear come to life should be expected.

Movie ended, I drove home. It was nearly 1am. I stopped for some fuel and some french fries. I don't really remember anything else about the drive back to Prairie City.

It's now 8:30am, Hugo has left with his new owners (yay!) and I'm feeling really, really run down. The price I pay for spontaneity...

PS - I had to go back and correct, like, eight - no, nine - typos in this blog post. I need some sleep... and perhaps some more potatoes.

Sunday, July 1, 2012

Oddly Fascinating.

After picking up a smallish order of poultry today, I got home and made a grand entrance by holding a beef heart high above my head and singing "My Heart Will Go On" at the top of my lungs. I thought it was hilarious, but my husband was embarrassed - mostly because he was talking to friends online and had to explain my behavior.

Taking photos of my dogs' meals is entertaining. I've decided to steal an idea from another blogger and take a photo of each evening meal. I will only be doing this with the dogs' food, since the cats are randomly tossed food throughout the day and I don't actually put theirs in bowls.

At the end of the month, I will compile all the photos into a neat little collage. I'll also have a list of what is in each meal, for curiosity's sake.

Here's a photo I took to show what a typical dinner looks like here, but it won't be included in the collage since it was a meal in June. I find it beautiful, in a somewhat gruesome and disturbing way. (I'm not a serial killer, I promise - I just think my pets' diet is fascinating!)

On another raw note, I found two black chicken feet in my order this time. I think perhaps this chicken found herself in the wrong place at the wrong time, because all the other feet have always been white. They apparently were still tasty though - Revy and Talla snarfed them down in no time.

Unfortunately that's all I've got for you all tonight. Enjoy the gruesome meat photos!