Many of my readers are already aware of my dream from two nights ago, but I'll share it again for archiving's sake. Basically, I was arguing with my friend Dana about Dobermans. She insisted that they were called Doberman Repeaters, not Doberman Pinschers. We were on a front porch, and in the middle of our Doberman argument a snake slithered up to the house. It was a ball python, but Dana insisted that it was a "Carrot Snake." Again, I tried to argue, but Dana said that she had a friend on Facebook who knew much more about Doberman Repeaters and Carrot Snakes than I did, so she was choosing to believe her over me. It was very frustrating.
Last night I had an equally frustrating dream. Oddly enough, it also involved ball pythons. I found myself at Petco. In this dream, my friend Lori worked at Petco. I was looking at the ball python display, and saw that Spider Ball Pythons were on sale for $8.00. I was very excited, so I asked Lori if Petco would actually sell me a spider ball for $8. With a sly grin, Lori packaged up a spider ball for me. I wandered off to find another 20L tank, and contemplated how I was going to explain to my husband why I bought another snake. By the time I had the tank picked out, Petco was closing. In a moment of insanity, I decided to apply to work at Petco. The manager decided to interview me on the spot. The first part of the interview involved me going to the break room and watching all the employees give each other haircuts and listen to ABBA. I put up with it, only because I thought it was a test to see how patient I could be in totally ridiculous situations. Eventually the manager brought me to the cash registers where he continued the interview. I remember the conversation vividly:
Manager: "What do you think would be your favorite part about working at Petco?"
Me: "I think it would be the opportunity to help people find appropriate products for their pets, so they can be better pet owners and the pets will be happier."
Me: "........ wrong?"
Manager: "Yes, you need to be more worried about self preservation. Would you be willing to shoot someone in the head?"
At this point, I was speechless. I had no idea what he meant, but I got the feeling he didn't want to hire me. He was sitting there, with this smarmy little grin, and I realized that it was 11pm and I had wasted my time. So I decided to speak my mind.
"Look, you obviously don't want to hire me. I'm sorry I'm not the type of employee who can waste time cutting hair and listening to music in the break room while actual work needs to be done. I don't understand how the employees I met just now somehow passed your interview process, because they know nothing about animals and are terrible workers. In fact, I should inform you that I bought an $800 snake from this store today for $8, because your employees didn't have enough attention to detail to ensure one of the most expensive animals in your store was priced correctly. That's right, you lost $792 due to the ineptitude of your current employees. Also, your employees clearly don't know anything about ball python husbandry because there is a dead snake in the enclosure over there, and no one noticed. And another thing - I've worked at Petco before. I worked for Petco for six years before I left for college. In fact, when I came home from college, I walked into Petco and was rehired on the spot. I'm not joking... I walked in, asked if I could have my job back, and 15 minutes later I was grooming a dog and taking appointments. They loved me at the Cedar Rapids Petco. You have made a huge mistake. Now, I have wasted enough time here... I am going to go home now, and take care of my animals. Thank you for wasting my time, jackass!"
The funny thing is, I actually did work at the Cedar Rapids Petco for six years, and I actually was rehired on the spot when I came back over summer break. My entire Cedar Rapids Petco monologue in my dream is true. It was an epic dream.